The Reflexive™ Latch: A Step-by-Step Guide to Pain-Free Latching

If you’ve been wondering how to get a deep latch because feeding your baby hasn’t been the enjoyable experience you hoped it would be—don’t give up hope.

When you’re trying to figure out your latch, breastfeeding can feel impossible. Especially when you’re exhausted, overwhelmed, and everything just seems to hurt. No matter what you try, you keep ending up with a painful, shallow latch that you know isn’t quite right… but you have no idea what to do differently.

The good news? There are things you can do differently—and easily—to help you and your baby have a feeding experience that actually feels good for both of you. In this blog, I’ll walk you through the latching approach I developed to help families use their baby’s own innate reflexes to get a deeper latch that doesn’t hurt.

How to Get a Deep Latch

There are a lot of websites that teach you how to latch, but the truth is—there’s no one right way. What works beautifully for one person might not work at all for someone else, because every baby is different, and every body is different.

If what you’re doing feels good for you and allows your baby to feed easily, comfortably, and use all their feeding muscles in a coordinated way? It doesn’t matter how you’re doing it—you could be feeding them upside down and it would still be the right latch for you.

But if it hurts when your baby latches…
If your baby’s latch is consistently shallow…
Or if something just feels off, even though you’re doing exactly what you were taught—
That’s a big red flag.

It likely means your current approach doesn’t match your baby’s needs or your body’s anatomy—even if a lactation consultant showed it to you and told you it was the “right” thing to do.

What I want to show you is a different deep latch technique. One I developed after working with hundreds of families and watching what changed—quickly and beautifully—when we started letting babies use their own innate reflexes to guide the latching process.

If you were taught to stroke your nipple down your baby’s lips, compress your tissue, and then shove it in fast—this is going to feel completely different.
In the best way.

And for a lot of families, it turns things around right away.

So if you’re ready to fix a shallow latch, help your baby get a deep latch (newborn or not), and finally leave that painful breastfeeding latch behind—this guide is for you.

Phase One: Positioning for a Deep Latch

Before your baby can latch deeply, you’ve got to help them get into the right position. That sounds simple—but it's often the part that gets skipped. And it’s where everything starts to either fall into place… or fall apart.

Start with You: Upright and Ready

I always recommend starting upright. Sit up in a chair (any chair will do) and reach across your baby’s body with the arm opposite the breast or chest you’re feeding from. Use that hand to support your baby behind the shoulders and base of the head—not the back of their actual head—so you can guide them gently and precisely.

• Slide your arm through their legs and up behind their shoulders
• Or wrap your arm around their lower body and support them from the side

What matters is:

• You can see your baby’s face
• You’re using your hand (not your arm) to guide them
• You’re bringing your baby to your body—not the other way around

This hand-led support gives you the control you need to time the latch just right. If you’ve been leaning in or using your forearm to bring your baby to the breast, this change can make a huge difference in comfort.

Use the ABCs of Latching

A is for Arms
Your baby’s arms should be hugging or wrapping around your body. This snuggles their upper body in close and keeps them aligned.

B is for Belly Button
Their belly button should be rolled in toward your belly—not facing the ceiling. This keeps their whole body close and stable.

C is for Chin
Their chin should be close to (or planted on) your breast or chest. That chin contact is what triggers your baby’s brain to open wide—which is exactly what we want before they start sucking.

Your Nipple Goes Above Their Mouth

This might feel strange at first, but your nipple should actually be higher than your baby’s mouth when you start. Think nipple to nose, not nipple to mouth. That way, their mouth opens wide before your nipple touches their lips. That’s the key to avoiding a painful breastfeeding latch. How wide your baby opens their mouth before they latch will determine how deep or shallow your latch will be.

To make this happen, you’ll need to slide your baby’s body further back toward your hip—especially if you were taught to line them up straight across from your chest. But this shift sets the stage for a deeper, more comfortable latch… and it really works.

Phase Two: Latching On

Once your baby is in the right position, it’s time to actually latch—but here’s the part most people skip: you have to wait. That’s right. You pause and give your baby space to do the work their body is built to do.

This might feel completely backwards, especially if you were taught to stroke your nipple down their lips and “get it in quickly.” But that fast-forward approach? It’s often what leads to latch pain and shallow attachment. Instead, this is the moment where your job is to support—and observe.

And I get it: this part is hard. Our instincts are wired to help our babies the second they struggle. But when we step in before they need us, we sometimes take away the chance for their brain to wire in a new skill. Waiting is an act of trust. It gives their body space to learn.

Let Their Reflexes Kick In

In an ideal setup, your baby will:

• Root (turn their head side to side)
• Seek (lift their head slightly and extend their neck)
• Chin plant (connect their chin to your chest or breast)
• Open wide (a big, deep gape)
• Then—and only then—you help them come forward to latch

This sequence lets your baby’s natural reflexes guide the process. When it works, it can feel almost magical.

Timing Is Everything

The exact moment your baby’s mouth is open at its widest—that’s when you want to gently and quickly bring them forward using your hand behind their shoulders.

That timing? It’s what makes or breaks the comfort of the latch. It’s also why I sometimes get called a magician—not because I am one, but because I know timing is the secret sauce.

When you catch that moment just right, it sets your baby up for the deepest latch they can get—and feeding becomes smoother, more comfortable, and a whole lot less stressful.

Practice Happens When Everyone’s Calm

Here’s the thing: you won’t get to practice this every time. If your baby is frantic or fussy, that’s not the moment to test out something new.

Feed them however you need to—bottle, nipple shield, quick latch—and then, once everyone’s calm again, that’s your chance to revisit this process.

Two Quick Tweaks (If Your Baby Needs Help)

If your baby isn’t quite following the reflexive pattern yet, here are two quick tweaks I use with families in my office:

• If your baby isn’t planting their chin: Make sure they’re snuggled in close. Sometimes you’ll need to gently guide their chin into contact yourself. That little connection helps trigger the reflex to open wide.
• If they start sucking too soon: Use two fingers to lift your nipple up and out of the way until they open wide. Then bring them forward. This helps prevent early sucking before a deep latch is even possible—and it’s especially helpful for babies with a super sensitive suck reflex or when there’s a lot of breast or chest tissue involved.

Phase Three: Getting Comfortable

Once your baby is latched and feeding, you’re not done yet—it’s time to get your own body comfortable. Because if your body is tense or awkward, it’s going to make feeding harder than it needs to be. And honestly? You deserve to relax too.

This is the part I like to call cruise control. You’ve prepped for launch (positioning), your baby has lifted off (latching), and now it’s time to settle in for the ride.

Shift Your Hold

After the latch is secure, switch from supporting your baby with your hand to using your arm. This lets you relax your hand and take pressure off your shoulder and wrist. And then once you have swapped arms you can:

• Lean back so you take the tension out of your back and help your baby get into a more supported and stable position
• Use pillows to support your arms, neck or shoulders
• Use your free hand to stroke your baby, drink some water or have a snack

Settle in with your Baby

After your body and arms are supported, let your shoulders drop, and breathe. A lot of what makes feeding easier isn’t about your technique—it’s about being able to stay there comfortably for however long your baby needs.

Your baby just did a big job figuring out how to latch. You did too. Now is the time you get to stroke them, smell them and just settle in together—this is what sets the stage for the bonding experience.

Too many people try to power through discomfort, thinking they just need to "get used to it.” But pain isn’t a requirement of breastfeeding. If something feels off, or you’re straining to hold your baby, that’s a sign to adjust.

If your body isn’t supported, you are going to shift or tense up too—and you’ll unintentionally pass that down to your baby. The more relaxed and stable your position and the more comfortable you are, the better (and more sustainable) it is for everyone.

Practice Without Perfection

If you’re working on getting a deep latch and it’s not going how you hoped—don’t panic. Latching is a skill. And like any new skill, it’s something you build over time. The learning happens in the practice—not in the perfection.

But there’s a time and place for everything.

The best time to practice a new latch technique isn’t when your baby is already upset. When your baby is crying, you’re probably stressed too—and suddenly everything feels urgent.

That’s not the time to troubleshoot. That’s the time to just do what works.

Bottle, nipple shield, quick latch—whatever gets your baby fed and calm in that moment? That’s always the right choice. There’s no shame, ever, in doing what works for you. That kind of quick decision-making—and the reflection that follows—is how learning actually happens.

Once everyone is settled again? That’s your window. That’s when you can circle back, think through what worked (and what didn’t), and try something new.

My Favorite Tip for Practicing

If you really want to understand what’s happening during your latch, try recording a video of yourself latching. Not so your inner critic can tear it apart—but so you can see what you’re doing in a way that’s impossible to notice in the moment.

Sometimes, you’ll catch something small—a hand shift, a tilt, a timing cue—that unlocks a whole new level of understanding.

Your Latching Toolkit

Think of it like this: latching is a toolkit. And you get to choose the right tool for the job.

• Your emergency latch: the one that gets the job done when everyone’s in crisis mode. This is where you shape your tissue, aim your nipple, and make it work—fast.
• Your reflexive latch: the one you’re building over time. It’s slower, more coordinated, and helps your baby practice using their feeding muscles on their own.

You’re not choosing between them—you’re learning to use both. One helps you survive. The other helps you grow.

The “Try Again” Loop Is Normal

Every baby has a learning curve. Some follow the reflexive pattern on the first try. Others need a few attempts (or a few dozen). That’s not failure—it’s learning.

If your baby starts fussing or crying, take a breath. Go back to what works. You’ll get another shot soon (babies eat a lot).

Think of it like NASA: they don’t stop launching rockets just because one doesn’t take off. They tweak. They recalibrate. They try again.

You can too.

Confidently Moving Forward

If feeding has felt like a struggle, I want you to know this: it doesn't have to stay that way.

You're not doing anything wrong. You're just learning—and so is your baby. That’s what this phase is about. Not perfection. Not pressure. Just progress.

Some days, your latch will feel easy. Other days, it won’t. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It just means you're both still figuring it out. And with each attempt—whether it works or not—you’re building the skills and awareness that will carry you both forward.

You don’t need to memorize a bunch of rules or do everything “by the book.” You just need a starting point that works with your baby’s reflexes and your body’s reality. And now? You have that.

You can always come back to this blog. Rewatch the video. Practice one new piece at a time. You get to move at your own pace, and trust that this will get easier.

And if you’re stuck and want to troubleshoot something specific—or these steps aren’t working no matter what you try—I’ve got more posts that can help.

You’re doing the hard work of learning a brand new skill in real time—while keeping a whole tiny human alive. That is no small thing.

Take a deep breath. You’ve got tools now. You’ve got options. And most importantly? You’ve got time.